Dear Master-Mister-Mistress of the New Year:
Hey, what’s up. Sorry this conversation is seven days late, but frankly, I've still been a bit pissed off from the rotten mother load you dumped on my 2005. Don't tell me it's not all about me, because it is. Nevertheless, Management, Mike’s Ghost and all these frickin’ Self Help books tell me to “write it all down, good and bad,” and “let go” and all that. So fine. Here’s one more obligatory round-up.
Movies Seen: 124
Best Movie (i.e., Movie I Talked Most About Under Random Circumstances): Grizzlie Man
Photographs Taken: 6,349
Hours of Video Shot: 98
Major Projects Finished: 1
Minor Projects Finished: 21-80 (hard to say, really)
Bottles of Hair Dye and Bleach Used: 12
Parties Thrown: 2
Money Spent on Coffee: $931.27
Break Ups: 1 or 2, maybe 3, but all with same subject (see major projects finished tally above)
Weight: +5.7 pounds
Miles Ran: 2342
Places Visited: 9
Greatest Achievement: Ran Breast Cancer Race for the Cure: Raised $2,300 and 3.1 miles in 26 minutes for my girl Sarah. Right on!
Biggest Regrets:1. Befriending Mike
2. Letting Mike wear a dress to tear around town in
3. Letting Mike blog about it all
Greatest Discoveries: Arrested Development,
Kiel's Avocado Moisturizer , Gmail, L’Oreal Vive conditioner (and which is like made of the same stuff as Loreal’s Kerastase Conditioner but $30 less, ohmygod), control G on Yahoo IM, Tiger OX, learning how to hold various keys down to write ¡éñ!, Apple Compressor, USAA Insurance (
go Dad!)
Greatest New Friend Finds: NM, LG, RBG, JLP, LB, DB, Siege (this is
so high school, tee-hee!) (Note: submission cut off was in November)
Worst Friend Losses: KJM, GS, my very talented but Diva hair colorist at Space Salon
Worst Rejection: Whole year. Just remember, I’m Irish, my body double wears chaps and knuckle rings, and I don’t forget. Ever.
Best Acceptance: N/A. Not in the mood to be grateful. (Okay fine, anticipating that place in the woods with the basket lunches. 2006, yippee!)
Favorite Netflix: Buñuel (all), Brief Encounter, The Corporation, Oldboy,
Irreversible, Life Aquatic, Time Bandits, Georgy Girl, We Don't Live Here Anymore, Closer, Bridge Over the River Kwai, Metallica (Some Kind of Monster).
Least Favorite Netflix: Team America (ONE STAR!), Splendor, the Dreamers, Water Drops on Burning Rocks, Million Dollar Baby, My Sex Life (no, like really, that's the name), Embedded, Code 46, CQ, Calendar, Hospital (1971) (Arthur Hiller, how
could you?)
Most Overrated Netflix: Story of Weeping Camel, Fast Runner, Primer, Team America (ONE STAR!)
Most Depressing Movie by a Friend Which Was Good Anyway:
Learning to SwallowMost Listened to Song on iPod: 1. Not Even Jail (Interpol)
2. Credo (Schubert/ Vienna Choir Boys)
3. Israel (Siousxie)
4. Playgirl (Ladytron)
5. Take Me Out (Franz Ferdinand)
Worst Subway Books of 2005:
1.
One Hundred Years Of Solitude: Aureliano, Arcadio, wait who? Oh, Aureliano Jose. (transfer at Union Square, walk walk) Okay, who was that? (flip to family tree) Oh, Arcadio Segundo. Wait, that's incest. Read sentence about rain that spans three pages (THREE PAGES!) and unknowingly miss stop for work. Gleeful giggles followed by a seismic crash of low artistic self esteem, realizing there is no way you will ever be able to write a page this good. (miss 3 more subway stops. Days later, get brought into HR)
2.
Elementary Particles by some Misanthropic Misogynist Reactionary Frog: We are all miserable, hopeless, detestable, decaying creatures and human birth is one big accidental orgasmic jerked-off blemish thrust upon the earth. As you watch tracks speed by, you will think many times about throwing yourself upon the sparking blades, especially as you pass all the hussied up hipsters on the aggravatingly narrow Union Square L platform trying oh so hard to fight the futile fight against our ever molding flesh. Robots and middle aged orgies are our only hope. (hair flies in the air as subway car comes dangerously close to your head.)
Best Subway Book:
Veronica. And that's all I have to say, so read it.
2nd Best Subway Book:
Missing Person. Do this one
too.
In other news, both Stanlito and Mitchissmo had teeth pulled, a 10 tooth total for the 2005. Ouch!Most Favorite Item Bought
1.
Nanette Lepor jacket.
2.
Hooded Sweatshirt3.
Schoeps supercardioid Microphone.
4.
My big fat 23 inch screen: Shout out to freelancer IM freak peops keeping the solitude real!
Biggest Mistake Buy:
1.
Fluevog Over the Knee Goth Boots: while my Detroit preppy Goth soul will forever love the goth, I forgot that the rest of the world has moved on and expects us all to wear sweater sets, and that 10% of inner self cares what the rest of the world thinks.
2.
Hair color at Mud Honey. Bastard.
3.
Monthly subway pass, lost in 2 days. Yeah, I know, but I lost my receipt.
4.
Really Expensive Jeans: even taken in twice, still show underwear and/or entire ass (blog forthcoming)
Worst Date of the Year: Animal Rights Activist of the weekly protester kind. Swallow embarrassment as he harasses French bistro for something without animal stock. A testing of the waters on ordering that Steak au poivre I’ve been eyeing ends in getting bludgeoned into ordering an item without visible blood, namely fish-n-chips, also known as least favorite meal in the world (when not in London). Most belligerent dude ever. Fork
drops flies when he says he backs the Death Penalty because unlike Humans, Animals have no power over their lives. Realize only way out is to imbibe 2 white chocolate martinis and half a caraf of Cabernet. Express lack of interest by picking passionate fights about things you don’t even care about (like animal rights). Thought never crosses mind to pay for even half of dinner. Date ends with hand shake, polite eye lash bat and “Sorry, but if I don’t eat meat I start to whimper and itch.” (
Lesson to Men: if you want some action, don’t pull stupid shit like this)
Best Date of the Year: I’m stupid, but not that stupid.
New Year's Resolutions Accomplished:
1.
Make More Money. The oddest thing, dear Master/Mistress of the New Year, is that you did bless me by doubling that depot, making it the Best Fiscal Year Ever. Wait, hold on-- isn't money everything? Crap. I better get more.
2.
Learn Spanish. Replaced 15 minute Walk-of-Stress to subway with Spanish on iPod-ed walk to subway. Learned how to say "where is the American Embassy", "¡Hola! Qué tal?" "Hola Linda" and the favorite of all time, “cenicero” (ash tray -- how cool is that?). Sadly, linguistic passion ends when: a) a gang of ten year olds snicker at your muttering "Dónde está blah blah" to yourself, and b) you realize even the biggest idiot knows what cenicero means. In fact, even the biggest idiot knows more Spanish than you do (back to German).
3.
Photography Re-dedication:
Check check. Leave your address for the gallery invite. (2006, yippee!)
Failed New Year's Resolutions:1.
Limit Interweb usage to 15 minutes a day (failure rate: 1300%, move to 2006 list)
2.
Take up yoga (failure rate: 100%, move to 2006 list)
3.
Stop Mooching Cigarettes (failed, failed, failed, move to 2006 list)
4.
Become More Politically Active (achieved by becoming 100% apathetic.
Yay!)
Best Learned Expressions of the Year: 1. “All they do is throw marbles under your feet”
2. “Just dating for practice, man.”
Lessons Learned:
1. The longer the fuse, the bigger the bomb
2. The shorter the fuse, the more bombs there are
3. It’s all an endurance test
4. Just because they sign an email “xo” doesn’t mean they don’t secretly hate you
5. Nobody knows the whole deal
6. Blogging Must End Someday.
7. Maybe it wasn't all so bad. And even if it was, it's damn good material.
