Gay News Story of the Day

Boston gayness, 1995

So, I'm slamming my 3rd espresso when I catch today's headline on that addictive little news junkie elevator screen:

Vatican Rejects Actively Gay Priests.

I assumed the Onion had hacked into our sweet elevator news, but alas, this was actually the news. I choked and had bitter coffee bean laughing attack hiccups. The Conde Nasties beside me raised a tweased brow.

How pathetic. Guess they know that if they went whole hog and eliminated gay tendencies in the priesthood that they'd be so labor deprived they'd have to, like change and, like, let in straight priests who marry women or something. So, yeah, let's just keep the door shut to active gays. Um, huh?

VATICAN CITY - Reiterating its stand against sexually active gays in the priesthood, the Vatican also says in a new document that men with "transitory" homosexuality must have overcome their sexual tendencies for at least three years before entering the clergy.

How GAY. Jeepers, let's make masturbation the next hot topic. No actively masturbating priests shall administer the body of Christ to church-goers, at least within 72-- no make that 24-- hours of friction or fluid loss, which ever came earlier.

People, let's get our head out of our pants and focus on good, platonic, everyone's-a-lezzie style love. People-- are ya with me? [she pulls up her pleated pants and thanks the crowd]