Prague Porn Profiteers

Ah, Praha.

More than a few hours in this city and you know why they say Pra-ha-- because it rhymes with a-ha! Not "Prague", as we say in our hacking tongue, likening it more to a bowel movement. Survey says in a Praha vs. Wien wrestling match, the former wins garter straps down. Pourquoi, you ask? Perhaps it is the ability to laugh, the whimsical acceptance of sensuality (dude, have you like, READ Kundera?) or the haunting intricacies of its streets (Ibid, Kafka?). Whatever the case, they let that wall rip on down and embraced the free market like oh so many dimpled teddy bears. Yo Jorge--thumbs up for this place!

Just for Bohemian kicks, let's back up a minute to earlier Vienna Slutiness analysis. Whereas Vienna had a Starbucks-in-Manhattan quality to its lingerie stores, Praha seems to have a disquieting dirth! Disquieting, for is it not reputed to be a porn capital in current times? Oui. There is no explanation for the fact that bras and undies are hidden back near the changing room, or that they are all your granny-with-suspenders type, displayed next to flannel night shirts. Yack! Passing windows on the streets of Vienna is an endless row of plush bellied mannequins with garters gallore; Praha only offers hideous items from your after the weekend, day-before-laundry pickings. As I remove my smoking pipe and stroke my chin, here is my summation:

Vienna:
Fascism + Classical Music Stars x 1000= Suspiciously Beautiful Lingerie/
Uptightness = Uptight but Kinky and Generally Not Fun People

Prague:
Spooky architecture + history of being invaded by Crazies + embarrassing Prague Rock= Populist Centered Culture/ Whatever= Totally Fun People

In other words-- as any good Catholic girl knows-- oppression makes life more fun.



Having visited this dear old-souled city in February 2001, Mitchissmo here has some interesting observations: higher prices, graftier servers and a nonchalant overtaking of Canada's outsourcing of Hollywood filming locations. But what the hell-- you can't really shoot King Arthur doing martial arts in Winnipeg.

Another observo: there are fewer Americans. Ah, almighty dollar, how ye fall! Is this W's plan to discourage his Citizen children from visiting other countries, and hence seeing how great it might be NOT to be an American? Hmm. Me thinks yes, and me thinks NO. All Daddy Dubya has to say do is point out how hard it is to get a Wi-fi connection in other parts of the world. THAT sux. Forget it-- as long as I can Google at anytime I don't mind not having health care. And, like, SO many people in Europe don't even HAVE their own computer. Must be because they don't get to have as many credit cards as we do. I mean, come on! Freedom is being able to borrow from the future and screw your future self (coming soon in February-- SOCIAL SECURITY OVERHAUL!!!). Any fool knows the future is always better than the present. It's unknown, for cryin' out loud! Welcome to the unkownn APR!
Pszvttt! (the sound of ripping open Credit Card Offer Numero Thity-nine)

Peasants and their Food

The doors of the train opened, a man with a tractor appeared, and the war against Czech hoodlums was on.

The man was wrinkle faced and smoke-creased (reason number 45 to quit Jan One) and with a quote of 200 Czech Krowns, threw our luggage on, gently forced my frugal and frowning brother Christophe into the passanger seat, and off we went. He took us to one taxi stand that insisted we take our Monster Circus into two cars for 1200 Czech. Elder Brother Frugal scoffed, threw up his hands (he's been studying French for, like, MONTHS) and waltzed off. Brother W (the one who voted for W) shuffled into a dark graffitti corner to puff a Marlboro. Queen Maman tried to daintily bat her lashes for a lower price, but to no avail. Wrinkle faced Tractor Man had brought us to his cohorts for a full Traveller Scam and we were stuck. Maman also Frenched her hands and rushed off to find her sons, leaving me with the eleven piece Monster Circus, surrounded by five pummel-faced Prague men. I quickly struck a butch pose, lit a smoke and let it be known that I was from New York. I knew both flying karate as well as a cab rip off when I saw one, so don't give me that shit. They lowerd it by a buck. I was satisfied and puffed my chest.

But then Brother Frugal returned and had gotten a man to stuff a Mercedes wagon for 300. D'accord! Nevermind that we could barely haul the Monsters to the other end of the station, where apparently the Good Man Brigade contingent of the taxi drivers was staked out, seated on the right hand of God. And this Good Taxi Man was a good, good man who took the packing of the car seriously, like any peasant bred father. Brother Frugal tried to get him down to 200, but he made a motion of putting a gun to his head. Indeed, it took a bungey cord strapped around the rear of the car to secure our shameful amount of luggage. But we were off with Good Taxi Man, and it was a happy beginning to Praha.

Some words about Czech food, which gets a bad rap for how much cabbage is served. Dinner at __________ (funny words with funny accents) brought a new Continental flair to Bohemian peasant fare. In other words, the cabbage rocked.

On to Slutty City Number Two

Watching my mother pack her bags for any trip is a great wonder to behold. How doth that woman stuff so much into so little? Years ago we christened her luggage piece the Monster Bag, her luggage set the Monster Circus. Somehow after an hour of grumbling she repacked her various Monsters for the trip from Vienna to Prague.


And then as I finally plopped myself onto the train, beading sweat, I felt a pinched nerve.... and dread overcame my being. I stared at my heap of bags, full of things that I could not leave behind, and at that moment I realized that I, too, have developed Monster Bagitis.

Vienna is slutty too (5 tops things about Vienna)

I have been to many a Euro city, but I have never been to Vienna, and that's where I am today to give you the Five Best Things of Vienna. One of the five best things about the place is that I get the feeling they like Bush. Of course, i hate the guys' guts, but at least we don't get harrassed about why 59 million people voted for him. The Austrians probably like Bush because they, too, like ripping you off and punishing poverty. But enough ranting.

The second best thing.... Before I begin, let me acknowledge that mais oui, I am lucky to be anywhere other than my grubby Brooklyn goings-ons, but alas, it is bittersweet! Bittersweet to spend 10 days in Europe with my fighting Irish family. This is mainly because I have to stay in a room with my mother, which is much like injecting your ears with biting spiders that you can't pull out. They burrow and get at you unless you play dead. So the only way to escape my mother's biting comments (regarding dress,the roots of my hair, my life, where we should go to buy Austrian crystal) is to stay in bed "sick" until i hear the door slam. And then I do my hermetic thing, which in my book is the Second Best Thing for me...(I get to take pix in a five star hotel.... albeit across the street from where Hitler set up shop, hence the Nazi boot vibe).



Which brings up Viennese Best Things #3 and #4. The coffee rocks. And if it is one thing i cannnot live without, it is Kaffe. They do it up good and right, on a little silver tray with a small glass of water to hydrate the sweet bitter. YAR! And Best Thing #4-- the cigarette afterwards, which you can smoke ANYWHERE-- the elevator, the bathroom, any public place. Go ahead-- puff it in people's faces. You'll be back hiding and mooching guilty cigarettes in LA soon enough.

The Fifth Best Thing about Vienna is the lingerie scene. I mean, like, I have never SEEN so many lingerie stores. The home of Wolford and Palmer, Vienna has lingerie stores in a frequency like we have Gaps and Starbucks. Not a bad trade off. But do these people get laid? Judging by the fact that we got "SSSSSSSed!!!" by some Viennese fascista during the "Nutracker on Jazz" piece at the ballet (i was giggling at how bad they tried to be "loose" and "sexy" doing the "Harlem" jazz), I would say not. It should be noted that she did not SSSSSSht! the Austrians nearby, even when the ballerina doing black face came on. But then again, who has not noticed a link between kinkiness and uptightness? Go ahead-- count how many pervs are neat freaks. See? Yup. A small leap to fascism.

So really, if anyone can tell me about the Viennese lingerie and potential for sluttiness, pray tell.

One Month (actually 6 weeks) After

Whew. I know, I know. What more could we have done, and WHAT NOW?

First, let me address the what-more-could-we-have-done: this was the hardest bit to swallow, because at first pondering, it seems nothing. I mean, look what we DID!!!

What now.
Do we (um, the Left) get more conservative, or do we rally ourselves and our base more?

These questions keep me up at night. Like, for real. I have dreams about mass voter e-fraud, counts gone into oblivion in the cyber ether, well paid hackers slowly adding votes for people. Conspiracy theory? The only thing that makes it a conspiracy theory is that it theorizes that a group of people (which, we should gently remind ourselves is what-- under U.S. and state law-- corporations define themselves as) plan for a common desired outcome. So really, contrary to what "conspiracy theory" may sound like, there is nothing paranoid or knee-jerk about it, despite that it might conjure up angry images of Oliver Stone.

So what now. Well, for starters, everyone should listen to Air America. In the NYC area, that is a sweet 1190 AM on your radio. If you live in other parts of the country, go to airamericaradio.com. Why? Because it keeps you informed about what is going on, and why the new initiatives of the Bush administration are shocking. Is this one-sided? Well, I like to say, why give equal time to Hitler? National news organizations are not doing their job; this was particularly true during the election, during the Iraq war, and is still true. Traditional journalism has given way to simply cutting and pasting the press release and sound bites of the White House, or whatever third party is at hand. So, yes-- go listen and be vigilant.

Secondly, no, we do not get more conservative. We simply have to embrace more widely and modify our tactics. We have to stop only preaching to the choir, and actually start bringing our message and "Blue State Awareness" to the Red States. Without this effort, we will only continue to lose to the spread of Karl Rove's Empire of Evil.

Accordingly, and thirdly, look into what long-range groups you can become a part of. One group that I have joined is a NYC-based spin-off of people who went down to Florida election weekend to canvass through America Coming Together (ACT). You can contact them through the NYC2FLAINFO group at Yahoo! Groups.



To join the NYC2FLAINFO group, please visit
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NYC2FLAINFO

GO NOW!!!